Preventing Conflict Through Self-Empathy (2024)

A rather disturbing phenomenon keeps popping up in our circles at the moment: increasingly polarized situations between people resulting in hurt, conflict, and often deep and irreconcilable rifts. Perhaps it is magnified by the intense experiences and choices stimulated by the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdown. Families and friends, not to mention societies, become divided by holding firm opinions on either side of issues or debates. The disagreements are not just neutral and respectful, but heated, emotional, and hurtful. And at their core lie conflicting assumptions and judgments.

Judgment is a function of our belief system. Our context elicits thoughts and emotions which we experience internally and then give meaning to, linking it to the belief system we have in place. In other words, emotions and cognitions shape our beliefs.

Our beliefs also filter the perspective we have on any given situation. Because we believe in right and wrong, we judge certain events or behaviours to be either right or wrong. In this way, assumptions prevent us from being open to the range of possibilities with which we can experience life.

This is why there is such an emphasis on suspending judgment in (self-)empathy. Suspending judgment means that for the time being, you lay aside your own views and values in order to enter the inner and outer world without prejudice.

When you feel criticized, or when your strong beliefs or opinions are countered by someone, you very likely experience tension. While this happens, you are unlikely to be aware of the fact that it is your interpretation and judgment of the other person’s words creating this tension.

If you are able to encounter a polarizing situation with self-empathy, you will observe the other person’s behaviour as well as your own immediate response with more clarity. You will notice your own evaluation of the situation and your emotional response to it.

The resulting mental distance to what happens at that moment can open you up to ask for clarification and to give more meaningful feedback. When you are able to catch yourself in the moment, you will prevent escalating misunderstanding and polarization altogether.

Suspending assumptions practice

But how does one do that, suspending assumptions while practicing self-empathy? It is not as if the judgment won’t happen by itself and that assumptions accumulate in your mind. We all evaluate what we see and feel practically on a continuous basis. Evolution shaped us that way. We need to make decisions, often in split seconds, on whether a given situation is "safe" or whether we need to get out of there. This requires us to constantly evaluate our surroundings and these evaluations often even take place subconsciously, allowing for us to rely on our reflexes.

Recognize and name the evaluation

Suspending assumptions then means to recognize the evaluation when it takes place, name it as judgment and pause it to reflect on it or divert from it. While noticing with self-empathy, you will need to look for the emergence of an experience of judgment, which can manifest itself as evaluation, doubt, fear, or any other experience, for that matter.

You might find that a sound in your environment is annoying you — annoying is judging. You might think that your experienced fear should be over with, once and for all — your lack of acceptance of the fear is judging.

It is also important to be aware that not all judgment experiences are difficult or challenging. You might experience satisfaction when you are in agreement with a colleague’s idea, or joy at what you perceive to be a job well done. These pleasing evaluations are also judgments. Similarly, you want to be aware of, recognize, and name them.

Notice the evaluation without needing to change it

What you want to be able to do is notice the evaluation pass through you, without feeling any compulsion to change it. For attitudes to change, we often need nothing more than the patience to let them pass. They are not inhabiting our thoughts constantly; it is only when we pay attention to them that they gain in strength. This aspect of self-empathy allows you to observe and integrate the experiences you have.

Suspending judgment is a first step to being able to open your mind to possibilities and perspectives beyond your personal reflexes. It also has a calming function on your emotional life.

Allow experiences to come and go

Emotions, thoughts, distractions, obsessions: They all come and go, if you give them time enough to do so. If not, you’ll enslave yourself to instinctive reactions. You will find yourself constantly responding to both inner and outer circ*mstances without being able to consciously choose how you would like to respond.

Suspending Assumptions Practice, the act of noticing, recognizing, and naming your evaluation and allowing the experience of it to pass through you, brings a certain level of control over your behaviour. It allows you the possibility to choose how you act and respond in the world surrounding you. Preventing polarization from happening starts with thoroughly getting to know, and working with our own self.

This post is fourth in a series of six on self-empathy. Do look out for the previous three and the two to follow to enhance your picture of self-empathy.